Another Sat....
hmmm....life....hasn't been good recently again.....having lots of problems.....should say the problems i gave myself or.....i just don't know.....do my not quitting of school this semester a good decision or not..???
Exhausted....!!!....am i...???
do i still have anything to die for again....???
do the world so imperfect in front of me at least...???
and more and more....
everything just goes around my head....around and around.....why....why are they doing that....wo dao di shi wei le she meng....???
maybe i too insistent.....maybe i too stupid....maybe maybe and maybe.....
but 1 thing i know....i will not be happy when my birthday comes.....at least for this year....for future i don't know.....only know i will not at all no matter how happy i am infront of everyone....
i.....don't know why miss u so much....
i.....don't know why still feel your touch....
you....left me with hard and dry....
where else nothing....nothing but a question why....
i called myself fine.....u call me fine.....everyting is fine except for my heart....it does not mean a fine at all.....i just can't leave it behind me.....
Saturday, May 26, 2007
12:21 PM
why all like that.....
why u all alway like this....keep hurting me.....i really not as strong as all of u all see....zhe de mei you.....please don't force me anymore hao bu hao.....don't say words purposely to let me know only can....why u all must act normal when things really happen.....it already happen....u all don't seem abit care.....even purposely laugh loudly in front of me....what u all trying to mean......
i really cannot keep tahan this all.....i don't want hate u all....nor i have the strength to hate anymore.....keep laugh and laugh and laugh.....continue to hurt and hurt.....i will only endure.....
Monday, May 21, 2007
3:11 PM
another monday mp-sip...
hmmm...life wasn't too good at all....the weekend except that during the afternoon....the weekend was very hard to pass by also.....realised something when i pass this weekend....don't know whether it the good thing or the bad thing.....life was still the same as usual....wasn't too happy with it....i getting like more and more jialat....how should i say....????
maybe is because life become more and more lifeless....why sia....can't feel abit happy at all.....my eyes are alway going to drop tears....but alway hold back...it was not a good feeling at all....i feeling very stress up.....really stress up....
why things happen....and people could alway so happy like things have never happen....i don't want school also.....really don't want.....take it as i am a primary school kids....i really don't wish to continue.....what am i going to do....who can help me....
and again....
no one...
i don't like monday seriously now.....hate it.....when then can i pass all this difficult times.....when then i can.....what can i do now........i really exhauted.......finally the word that i wish not to say.....has come.....yes....i am very exhauted.....very tired le.......now only most happy times is when i am in dream....going back to where i belong....i know that stupid thiinking.....but pardon me....i wish so much to leave.....really want to leave......i bu ke yi continue like this.....i only know i also don't know who am i le....i only know i am crazy...isit......maybe...i really have turned into......
why people words so full of lies....all lies....how come.....don't they all feel tired at all....i don't deny i yesterday cried again.....
from now onwards,i can say i am going to a regular drinker.....if can....i will to learn how to smoke also....maybe that will be the only way to bring me to dizzyness......the world i wish to be in and the world where i will not think too much......
so used to wear a mask....so used.....when can i really be really happy in everyone eyes.......only can blame myself....no one to blame actually....
10:43 AM
Does it still have the meaning....???
haiz....sorry everyone that i have to start with this word....cause everything in this world just can be describe as "haiz".....
be it pessimistic or what....it just will come to anyone in their life....no matter how perfect they may think their life is.....no matter what ok.....after last sat went out with nel,larry and teng(who split with us during the evening).....i become even more jialat sia....cause after what nel said.....i believe i am somehow the same case as nel......i know how he feel.....which make me also do feel the same way......take it as i am too emo or what....or whatsoever.....
actually both of us have the same question in our heart de.....many many questions that has left to be unsolved and maybe will be forever not known the answer......i know i have be much longer than nel....but i also really don't mind if u say me useless....cause i can't get past this stage....that why i still having this kind of problem.....
the whisky and abit of larry graveyard could not drunk me yet.....not even abit....i don't know why....sometime i really wish to really drunk myself till i don't know what i am doing....the long island tea does not taste as nice as i thought when i drink it yesterday....but not drunk again.....maybe too many things in mind that why can't drunk....i have to stop drinking cause not only don't solve problem but also waste alot of my money....
i don't want act anymore.....want to be myself....zhen de wish....nobody really really understand me at all.....i really wish someone will know how i really feel even if i don't say it out....who will.....i don't think anyone ba.....cause i know when everyone saw my smiling face will really think i am really happy....that is why i know......no one really understand me.....
who knows when my eyes turn wet is because i going cry but not going to sleep...!!!
who knows when i say nothing wrong but is alot of things that is wrong....!!!
who knows when i smiling/laughing is because i don't want others know and spoil their mood...!!!
who knows when i joke mean i really wish to forget something for at least for that moment....!!!
who knows when i choose songs to play is because i wish to tell others what i really feeling at that moments to others.....!!!
who knows almost all songs play is because i really really see the lyrics is in my life.....!!!
who knows.....who knows....who knows.....i still got alot of things in me....who knows.....
i believe.....
no one..
Monday, May 14, 2007
11:04 AM
going to end of second week le.....
now still in school....writing this in thomas laptop....wasn't really boring today in school....but i am feeling the stress now...really feeling very pressure now....i really buai tahan until really hope to find way out to release this....don't know how to....just kept quiet.....wish writing blog will help me out....really hope it will.....
it going end of second week le.....i still the group worst members...don't know anything yet...while the 2 of them know what to do....i already deciding wanting to quit school...and if today i don't decide...i will have to stay in school for this sem le as the school fee will be paid by the next week.....
what should i do now...???
what am i going to do....alot of my friends say don't do this stupid things.....but who do really understand why i feeling this way......they all only see the general side of me....who do really know how i feel....how i do really feel.....
now then i know....no matter how i can be look happy with friends....laughing and joking with friends,,,,,,,i am still not happy at all...totally not happy at all.....
don't know when will ends.....dao di when will end......when will......should i really quit since i can see my 2 group members can handle all the stuffs that needed to finh even without me just like what i last time really worried about......
last night i wake up in the midnight....cause of a nightmare....i should say....i woke up because of me dropping down from tall building and die just like this.....now then i feel it is not nightmare anymore....i do feel i wish to be real....you can say me only know how avoid....only think of my ownself and etc etc....and all......i have been at least for most of the time in my 19years and 10 months of my life thinking of others.....i rather wish to be selfish one time......zhen de wish.....
i think i already crazy le ba......wo yi jin feng le.....zhen de feng le......who can really help me out of this....who......i am very unhappily walking on a piece of vast land with nothing infront....nobody infront of me also.....nothing...nothing....absoutely nothing at all......
Friday, May 04, 2007
10:46 AM
