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he is right...

hmm....now writing this in school lab...hmm....i have nothing to do...that why doing this ba....yesterday finally go online in msn le....but didn't really have the point i want...hmmm....anyway...maybe life is like this....

i think my friend said is right...because of me becoming joker/entertainer make me untrustable....that is the big bad point about it...think should really think it over...must improve myself somemore...not to be like this person again....maybe hard...coz once another friend told me b4 that it easy to change alot of things but is hard or impossible to change your own character...so must do it the hard way....then will i learn it....

hmm....don't take people for granted...it is another topic about the same problem....alot of people take for granted for everything in this world....how should i say....hmmm....anyway...this world is alway imperfect...i have already known it from the very start....so i should have no complain to it in the first place...but some or rather me(to certain extent) too want to be more of asking to be perfect....not only to myself but also to everything around me....

so what am i thinking....i am just a idiot....



i will try hard to....

smile....





and throw everything away...


Monday, July 30, 2007
11:32 AM


it been a week plus...

it been a week plus since i last log in online in msn...didn't online at all since last friday....don't know why i don't want put online....but will online one day for sure....so that it....

thanks to some of my friends...they specially sms me to talk to me yesterday....lolxx....never thought that u will really sent the message after talking to u on thursday....thank you....=)

hmm....life should be the same for me as usual....


things that i want still don't have...
things that i want say still didn't say....
things that i wish to come true still havn't come true....
things that i wish to come is still not come yet....


anyway...life should like this isn't it....things u want sometimes really hard or will never come to u at all....but this i really wish will come true...though i know i sometimes should never wish for it...coz it is very bad...really don't want that...but....haiz...

a week going pass by soon again....week pass by so soon...happy moment don't stay long alway...i believe sad one also....so...


life goes on....


Sunday, July 29, 2007
3:56 PM


taking for granted...

so...after the weekend....realise something....people are taking for granted...i believe i am also ba....but i try to change too...why still got people taking people or things for granted also....why...??? or isit they also changing...???

people say....life is important...it is precious...i only can say i also take life for granted or else i won't be like this....a pathetic guy typing this post...a pathetic pathetic guy....was also disappointed with myself...but other than that...i can do what....ha....nothing....nothing....totally nothing....

maybe what the wu ming say is really right...i expecting people others to give also...but do u know....i do wish to take sometimes....really wish sometimes only...nvm...i don't want blame anyone for my own plight....this is i cause it myself...never wanted to blame anyone anymore...and i believe soon,i will not know how to blame anyone...=(

havn't have the strength to go online yet...maybe i am avoiding all the problems ba....anyway...forget it...i just want to keep my mind blank sometimes...then will i not think too much...

no focus.....this is what my friend told me....no focus on anything...but what forcus can i have....what can i on anything...



can i not be an entertainer...???

can i not be a joker...???

can i not be a person i am now...???

can i say anything out without considering for others and not mine...???

can i don't be so silly and stupid anymore...???


i think answer is simple....all straight NO for all the answer...




haiz...ya...life goes on...and this post is just like other posts....a post that cannot solve my problems at all...can only write it out...=(




bu gao xin...

de ren...=(


Wednesday, July 25, 2007
9:00 PM


Away...

i was not online in msn for the past 2 days...those who really know me would be like feeling that is unusual of me not online esp at night....it not becoz of the com spoil or what...i got online...but didn't go to msn...take it as i hide or what...i just want to stay away from msn for this weekend...maybe will be longer....

sorry...is not i don't want to talk to anyone...but i know if i online and then in there for more than 2hrs got no one talk to me...i would be much more disappointed so i rather chose not to get online after fri night....anyway...i freaking idiot...no one care also...i don't think should care also...why bother explaining...

hmm...just read a post written by my friend de friend....she wrote something that i feel is somehow the same as me...didn't read much further coz i don't wish to read more anymore....she wrote something like....




who care about your feeling anymore when u are totally not associated with them..???

who care about your mood when you only like a friend to everyone..???

who care when u are just a joker/an entertainer to everyone..???

who care about what u actually write..???

who care about what u actually say..???

and the most importantly is...

who care about your existence in this earth..???

it show it make no difference having this person in this world...or should say in everyone eyes...ya...i think i am one too...someone told me before...don't care about this...all the friends u have now will not be there in your adult life at all...is it true...???




i don't know how to answer...don't understand fully what it actually mean...maybe i may seem to see things too complicated....maybe is becoz i giving myself too much stress....maybe i am too jealous of my brother life(with smooth things on him...maybe i didn't see his hard part...but at least he have smooth life now)...

but i should say i don't hate anyone for all this...coz i know...



all this is i brought it upon myself...


Sunday, July 22, 2007
11:46 PM


See Off....

The title didn't really have a big fuss about anything at all...coz i have see off a sewing machine....u may say...a sewing machine only...wth u talking....but u hear me say first...

this sewing machine may seen a normal machine to anyone...but to me is totally different....it has stayed in my old house and in new house for about 20 plus years le...in the past,my mummy depend on it to earn money for us...it see us through the hard times that we were having in the past...it showed to me that another thing in mind....it may be another thing been see off...but you see it show another side of me...



i don't like xi xin yan jiu de people...but there are too many many people out there are like this...doesn't old things also good(if still in good condition)...but alot of people don't realise that when they get hold of something more newer....haiz...why...???

there will alway be no definite answer towards this...



MP-SIP going to end in another 6 weeks time....i wish for it end soon but also wish for it not to end....contradicting again hah...haiz....i only can say that is what my heart have been feeling....

sometimes do wish to have a big illness...down with a big sickness....to let me at least let my soul leave my body awhile....for at least let me be uncontact from this world a week....haiz...sickness hit onto all friends around me....but not me...

i really need a break ...a sleep that can be uncontactable....=(


Saturday, July 21, 2007
3:18 PM


what am i going to do....

ya...birthday is over...it is another year older....and i ought to have a more mature thinking esp i have reach 20 this time...but....i don't think i have any changes at all....haiz.....

hmmm...anyway...i still want to thanks again for all the things u all done for me...i know all of u have put in the effort....really appreciate everything everyone has done....xie xie ni men...




ok....go back to the same problem....i was thinking....what am i going to do...nothing in my mind seem to be coming true at all...or is it time for me to go le ne....actually i also not sure...=(

sometimes felt really tired to be the leader...the entertainer....i know everyone will feel tired as time goes by...but who knows me too....i also a normal human...just wish simple life....or maybe i think till too complicated till it is not simple anymore....

but i try my best in everything i do....do that is wrong....why i alway don't get the result i yearn for....not once or twice or thrice thingy le....it more than dozen times...no matter what i have tried...it always the same...why ne...???

wound is healing....but is pain healing....it alway different thingy that step onto it to prolong it...i should say here...it is not the same person doing it...coz something i have put down...some not...

actually really wish to ask everyone a question...if...

I AM SUDDENLY DISAPPEAR FROM THIS EARTH,WHAT WOULD U ALL DO...???


hmmm....maybe there will not even one who cares ba...anyway...i am sorry for those who got hope in me before....thanks and sorry again to u....



wish to change...
wish to be indifferent...
wish to hide myself...
wish to...



disappear...


Wednesday, July 18, 2007
6:34 PM


Birthday....

hmmm...it is another ordinary day for me at first....coz i have said before that i don't really wish to celebrate my birthday this year...but in the end...i didn't expect so many people gave me a surprise...really shock...though i roughly know abit through my informer(lolxx...) but still feel unexpected with what they all done....


at first is vet called me to her room to gave me the present....said that is regine,bk,jeff and her share de...waa...man...make me so paiseh....don't know what to say to vet(since she there only) lo...anyway....thanks alot...i like it alot...=)


then afterwards continue to work on the mp3 that eve asked....she say go htm...ok...i pei her go lo....but didn't expect that they all already prepared at there le...with cake and bomb(or say fire cracker...aiya,don't know la...)...waa...u all hor...really leh...i don't know how say u all la...shocked me leh....heng lo....i not girl....or else sure touched till drop tears de...lolxx....still give me a candle that cannot be burned out....wa lau...lolxx...anyway...thanks for the arrangment....xie xie ni men...I REALLY APPRECIATE IT......
(no wonder the thomas go and eat never even want to call me go....so weird...)


ok....thanks for all of u....really thanks...

thanks my buddy....
-ye xuan
-larry
-nelson
-chuan teng

for the treat on sat...thanks....


thanks you(surprise)....
-evelyn
-thomas
-jia huang
-jin peng
-yan ling
-jeff
-jerlin
-jeremy
-mei lian
-jeff friend(paiseh..u never tell me your name...)

for the cake....for the arrangment u all have done....thanks for everything.....appreciate what u all have done....=)


thanks you(gift)...
-regine
-boon kheng
-yvette
-jeff

for the gift....for the effort...for the time...=)


thanks you(chocolate)...
-yiwen

for the chocolate...i was told that u left chocolate for me when i was out of lab...really thanks....didn't expect u also remember...lolxx...but hope u not angry that i share it with everyone...coz everyone got a carving for your chocolate...i also got eat la of coz...thanks....xie xie....=)


thanks you for the wishes you all gave me too....thanks alot...i don't write names anymore...in case i forgot write who who who...then jialat...lolxx....thanks everyone...thanks....=)


Tuesday, July 17, 2007
10:46 PM


a week i remember for this whole mp-sip...

hmmm....this week of school ends...which mean the 12 weeks period of mp is over....it really is a week that i have gone out often and of coz more than happy times during the whole of 12 weeks.....i treasured all the moment....treasured it...:)


didn't really do much for project this week again....but then still got do alittle bit....hmmm....actually i also don't know what am i thinking....how should i say ne...i also not really sure....but just not unhappy this week....


going to finish a book that was from(borrowed) Yi Lin...the content really interest me alot...it not a happy story....i mean when the guy is young that time...he got a really bad times(a time that i cannot imagine)....just happy that he is now free....i should say i do believe the story the author wrote....i don't believe it is untrue...that all....


hmmm....so life is like this....many people alway take things for granted until something really happen then do they realise....that is the point that many people won't get it with some even won't get it till the days they die.....


anyway...talk about other things....i actually i wish for something...but sometime it is like it not possible happen so make me like don't dare to even think...but...my mind will alway like go back to the same question with the slightest hope in it....what am i going to do...sian 1/2....maybe i will only be wishing for this in this birthday...really hope it will come true.....




that is all i asked for....


Saturday, July 14, 2007
12:50 AM


Long Star-less Night....

hmm....today i left school early....for following my mind...i think....too tired...so left for home....and have a sleep....so nothing particular about it....




just now went to look into the night sky again(my usual routine)....realise the star has gone with the moon....what happen to the star....i thought he/she has been alway with me whenever i look at her/him....always....but this time why he/she is gone....also even together with the moon....i didn't stand long today....coz i thought the star will alway be with me when it reach the night....but its gone....i have alway think it is talking to me...always...whenever i look into the night sky....i am very disappointed....he/she left me without even telling me or bring me away....haiz.....

long night.....chang ye man man....don't really know how to pass every night....every night just can't get to sleep....always thinking about alot of things....things that will never be solve....is it forever.....i know there is no forever....but why...all this things want to bug me like it want to stay with me forever....haiz....people say 24hrs a day are not enough for them....but for me...an hour a day will make me feel even more than enough.....how am i going pass all these days...days that i don't wish to pass anymore....

actually life is full of difficulties...and that i know....but this few months....difficulties become things that i have to cope....days by days....weeks by weeks...and even months by months....why is it like everything crash onto me at one time....for the past 19years plus....i don't have that...is it going to bug me with all at once...???

birthday coming....i don't feel like celebrate also....coz i am sure this is the most disappointed and unhappy birthday i will ever celebrate....maybe the most is my buddy bring me to eat...i appreciate them alot...never take them granted at all...but this time...i think everyone forgets....if really is the case...i won't blame u all de....coz my heart got no mood to celebrate at all....haiz....

people say be cheerful...and everything will be easy....i think i have tried enough....then i only realise that it just a mask....to make people don't worry for u anymore....maybe that better when u don't wish to worries people....but...tired...really tired with mask....want put down....but was stopped alway....haiz....




things to know....people around the world moves....things around the world changes.....animals around the world moves....plant around the world grows.....earth is still keep moving.....

but....

i stopped....=(


Wednesday, July 04, 2007
11:31 PM


didn't delete...

ok...how should i start...hmmm....hao ba...start from here....i should say i never delete the post that is used to be here....i have said b4...my principle is that i don't delete the posts that i wrote...ok...i didn't delete but then change it to the draft post....it because of certain reason of what my friends told me...pls...friends...those who have read the post b4...pls don't use your guessing power to guess who the person is...it not what u all think it is or it is not...pls don't comment anymore...thank you....=)



hmmm....anyway...going to go home le...going to faster finish the whole post...people are pressuring me when i wrote or do something wrong....just can't do something like what my friend do....which is to ignore everything....for that...i really envy her.....haiz...

anyway....i don't what to say....it feel so unsecured....i mean maybe i shouldn't be so bad....for that...i should apologise to everyone....blog has been so close to me with writing of what i feel....now like so less....


ok....the days pass so fast....Ishi dead news already going a week le...don't know now he is filled with regret or happiness.....if only i know jiu hao le....hmmm....sian....i tot of something just now....people are easily forgotten...i believe that Ishi will be slowly been forgotten by people....it is so cruel....i think thats life ba....nothing can change it at all.....anyway...i will remember how he die and WHY he die....=(



hmm...maybe if i chosen the same road....i would be the same....forgotten after a certain period....haiz....



**forgotten**


Monday, July 02, 2007
4:59 PM


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