why am i so pathetic...
hmmm....now in the lab alone....didn't want to eat at all...coz really got no appetite.....i don know why...i am like keep on hurt my ownself...why am i doing that....does life really so pathetic for me...???
people living so happily...while i am hiding here writing this kind of stupid posts....why....why can't i be cruel....i have knew from the start that i am sure will be hurt,the question asked..i am sure i will get the answer that i do not wish to have....but i still asked...in the end one knows how pain is my heart....
i have been trying to be a quiet person while outside....i have never wanted to be like this and never tot i will be like this....but i know that will be my character ba....hmmm...ya,i will try to be happy and entertain everyone while i am outside...but sometimes is really that i am unhappy...i cannot really live happily....
i hope for u to be happy.....but to my selfishness...i know myself i have been keep changing myself to be the best..do u think i am stupid...???
maybe u can say that...but...i only wish for the miracle....hmmm....hating myself...hating....i have never hate myself so much before....do u know something...though i am not the first one be thought by u anymore...i can say...u are still the first whenever i wake up,sleep and also everywhere i go....
expression and eyes maybe able to bluff anyone...but the heart is a organ that will never lied to u...for that,i really still talking about u....i can sense that u hate me....i will help u too...i will hate myself with u....the hatred no longer seem the same anymore.....sometimes life end so suddenly....sometime no one know it at all what really happen before the end...but some really know....(Ishi...i still didn;t think that u make a wrong choice at all coz i know u think this is the best choice...)
lies....
lies....
lies....
and...
lies....
i don like to lie...really don wish to....but i really don wish to affect other people mood by letting them know that i am sad....anyone ask...and i have to tell them lies by saying i am fine.....
i only can say....
i really sorry....
i am still unhappy....
not coz of u but coz of not having u......
a simple road doesn't look simple anymore...
Thursday, August 30, 2007
12:51 PM
someting my friend wrote
hmmm....below are something my friend wrote in his friendster....i felt somehow same as what he is feeling...and also quite meaningful so i put it here to show everyone....
it feels like yesterday since i saw you last
it is incredible seeing how time has passed
we weren't inseparable, but your memory still remains
year after year... i still feel as if you're near...
someone once told me that heaven is a place nearby
but it still aches in me, that i never said goodbye
you're still remembered... memories never fade away
year after year, yet it still feels like yesterday...
appreciate what u have....
treasure what u have too....
concern come rare...
care come rare too...
life u want...
life u don want too....
things and people lost....
things and people gain too...
but...
u alway stay....
in me....
Sunday, August 26, 2007
3:35 PM
"raining" day
today went to look for job with thomas and nel...with in the middle met christina working and ting ting join us after her work...job-hunting was still ok,just need to wait for news for some....then walk around with them at orchard....then went home...
ya....it is a "raining" day for me esp today....never expect the rain flow from heart to my face again...what happen...???
i know the reason....anyway....i deserved all this effect after the causes i have planted...i deserved it...so no one should be blame at all....it is all my fault....i am a detestable person....a really detestable person...am i really still a kid...why am i like this...???
i have no answer....coz i know the answer i have is still the same...have never tot of this kinda of things happen to me at all...and if i really treasured it...everything would be even better than what i having now...
i have failed and realised all along i have been bluffing myself...all the things in my heart have never ever left....have been staying inside my heart...
it rain and rain...the droplet keep dropping on me....onto the heart then to the face...it drops and drops....even when i am writing this....don believe it going to stop but will not show to anyone....will not...i am sorry to show u b4...but i promised not to show u...i will not do it....
sometimes really wish to ask....
what if....
i am to leave this place without...
any notice,
any reply,
any words,
or
any goodbye...
just left suddenly....
Will i be missed by you after a year...???
walking and walking with droplets.....
1:08 AM
tests...
| Your Love Type: INFJ |
The Protector
In love, you strive to have the perfect relationship.
For you, sex is nearly a spiritual experience, a bonding of souls.
Overall, you have high expectations for any relationship you're in.
However, you tend to hold back a part of yourself.
Best matches: ENTP and ENFP |
| You Are 70% Addicted to Love |
Might as well face it, you're very addicted to love.
But you're not really getting the deep love you seek.
Short lived, dramatic relationships are more your style.
Let go of needing someone, and you may find someone you actually want. |
| Your Ideal Relationship is Serious Dating |
You're not ready to go walking down the aisle.
But you may be ready in a couple of years.
You prefer to date one on one, with a commitment.
And while chemistry is important, so is compatibility. |
testss done by me.....
Friday, August 24, 2007
10:59 AM
a dream....
hmmmm....have a bad sore throat this few days...didnt manage to really speak...actually didnt really wish to speak after the dream...coz i really realise something...i am very unhappy....very unhappy....but still have to speak alot coz of the teacher who want to take a look at our project again...force myself to speak quite alot today.....
actually wanted to be very quiet....a quiet person today...to be able to think thorugh the dream....but didnt manage to do it at all....and also fail to control myself once again...the weakness in me really make me really tired of it....even now i feeling it...why am so weak...???
why...???
why...???
i should say....no one know the answer...even myself....why am i alway like this...say to myself already...but still couldnt control myself...i dont think i going to control myself also....think going to hide again...alway like this...
life go on and on....
life hurts....
life rejoice...
life taken away everyday....
life given birth everyday....
life stop for someone.....
one of them is.....
me....=(
Thursday, August 23, 2007
9:57 PM
stop that pls.....
hmmm....ytd is jin peng birthday...celebrated for him...play with flour and toothpaste...got myself into trouble too(flour and toothpaste on myself too)...hmmm...of coz not as bad as him....then after that is of coz thomas usual victim...but too bad...this time she is smarter now...not as bad as last time anymore....
jin peng birthday cake 1....
jin peng birthday cake 2...
birthday boy jin peng 1...
birthday boy jin peng 2...
victim after the birthday 1....
victim after the birthday 2....
victim after the birthday 3....
anyway....
Happy Birthday--->Jin Peng
hmmm....as usual...back to myself....hating something....really hating it....hate my sense of others thinking is so strong...i don really know to explain it...but then i really hate it....it is really making even more unhappy....no amount of happiness make me happy at all...even when i am smiling infront of others...i still feel unhappiness in my heart of coz....
who to blame....no one...only myself...answer has alway been the same that it is all my fault...all my fault for not letting people trust me also...that is all i built up myself...make me feel i am someone who are untrustable....but...i sometimes only wish to cheer/de-stress/make people around me to feel happy only....i don mean anything...maybe like what my friend said...this has made me a un-trustable person...
life is still the same old thingy for me...
nothing exciting to get excited about..
nothing interesting to get interests in....
nothing fun to let me have fun with....
nothing enertaining for me to be entertain....
nothing...nothing...should say nothing at all....
hmmm....i know something after i read a story...it ask...
"what is the most important things in the world??"
it say that in this world...the most important thingy in this world is not those that lost and neither is those that can't get it....but is the ones around you...so treasure it....hmmm.....
ya....this is so true...i don want take anyone for granted now...but sometimes i do take people for granted....so ya...i hate them...i hate all those attitude...i hate all the taking for granted people...i only know that people tend to take another for granted indirectly also...is that really un-avoidable....
haiz....i have no choice but to start this paragraph with this sigh...i cannot speak what i really want...i cannot get what i really want...i cannot see things that i really want...i cannot get what i really wish for...
i don need alot of thingy...i don need to be rich too...i don want stay in big housing estate....i just need simple life...very simple...like all those people on the street...
get so hard to anyone...anything....
and of coz....
get so tired of living....
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
2:22 PM
all things happened coz of me...
hmmm...after about a week plus of thinking...i finally knew what is happening now...i finally know that all things happened is coz of me...
coz me of being too
insistent...
selfish...
soft-hearted...
naive...
bad-tempered...
straight-minded...
bad-timing(saying things at not a right time at all)...
too much too much....i guess i this time should say i dont know how to change my thinking this time...never wanted to be someone like this at all....but just become like this unknowingly(or knowingly)....
realise alot of things...ya,so what...doesn't even know how to change...what the use...it no longer in use anymore...what am i going to do again....???
thoughts....
mask....
exhausted....
changed....
ruined....
facts....
and more and more and more....flying through my mind again and again...
how i wish all this things does not happen in my life....
but....
it happened.....
Sunday, August 19, 2007
4:22 PM
a day of project...
hmmm....today almost whole day except go eat was doing project...was rushing all the way to finish up everything and prepare for monday PR2 but...cannot finish even when we stayed all the way to 7 something going 8pm....actually want finish everything even if it is getting later but was stopped by technician who want to lock the room...so no choice have to go....hmmm....didn't manage to fabricate all the board out...so i cannot solder anything...just cannot do anything with the sofeware also got problem...sian 1/2....
anyway...write about other things ba....hmmm....the monday that just pass...i went to zhang don liang school concert...overall was still ok la...just feel that the atmosphere was still not high enough.....
the pics that i took....
jeff and jerlin while going to the concert...
peifen going to give out the nokia phone....
zhang dong liang with the picked gongzhu....
peifen interviewing zhang dong liang....
most clear face pic of him...lolxx...
hmmm...actually got more pics and even a video but due to certain different reason...i not going to put it up...so this is the few pics i can put up...very blur coz got no choice as i was too far from him...
hmmm...so talk about myself again....hmmm...this few days was still ok...rushing for project...the main things...no different in life also...the life i want still do not get it at all too....only things i can say is i really manage to hide my real thoughts by acting as nothing and be a real entertainer....
i believe alot of people take me as a joker...and if i say something serious...i think there will not many will think i am serious anymore....hmmm...maybe u wish to ask me...why i want to do that...???
i should say...to cover myself...cover myself from letting people really worried for me...to cover myself from letting those people who can read my thoughts to know i am alright....if they also think i am alright...only then i have succeed in what i intend to do...hmmm...a mask hah...a hypocrite hah....hmmm....whatever said...it is still the same...just a word of thought from a person to another....
now just wish u and u and u and u and all and all to share the joy u should have...esp u....to be the most happy person...=)....life is like this isn't it...only when unhappy things happen then u will treasure and experience the happy things,....isn't it..!!!
hmmm....what am i feeling now is no longer important anymore...coz i know i will not have the things i want anyway....
walking and walking...and...fall...
Friday, August 17, 2007
10:45 PM
Flare up...
hmmm...today of coz is still the same...stayed with parents at home before going out with them...i didn't say don like it...in fact,i like that...but still...there is moment of thinking again too....
got so flare up today....but i controlled myself to the best i can...i really portrayed an image that cannnot be trustable....do u all really think so...???
i somehow got the answer...no matter what u all think about...i am still like this...i am someone who say wont leak any secret then i will not..even if someone use a knife pointing at me...i really know what can be said...what can't be....
u may think i am crapping...u may think i am rubbish again....coz i am still un-trustable....but i can say...u will never really know what is the real me anyone...i have long not the same me as before.....my heart have already not the real me(or should say only sometimes)....
maybe people may think i am treating life too complicated le...but pls...life is not as simple as everyone think....really....
promises have been broken...i have fulfilled with no one knew what i have already done...ya...true...everything done is with a reason...no matter it good or bad...it not up to me or anyone to judge...only know the promise made...will be fulfill indirectly....
but...
i wish to ask...
what about all the promises made to me...???
a mask that seem so hard to take off....
Sunday, August 12, 2007
1:15 AM
its thomas birthday
ya...it is thomas birthday....and also national day eve....it is the same date of coz...hmmm....let's talk about today....
firstly went to Q up for the zhang dong liang concert ticket...of coz things happen whenever there is a crowd that is uncontrollable...alway the same old problems that people met when people Q up for something....don know should say what also...just some management problem ba....
hmmm...after that...went lunch and then prepare for the bombard-ion on thomas(birthday boy)...hmm....spray cans,bomb(or should say fire cracker or something),flour and even water was totally ready on him....was having fun since it thomas birthday....make it have a better atmosphere as he is now my buddy also...i mean don want make it so dull la....hmmm....he look quite bad with flour all over of coz after everything....anyway....
Happy Birthday....Thomas....=)
its national day tml...i don believe have any activity on this day...a day that i knew long ago wont have at all....think will be at home ba...but also...anyway...
Happy Birthday....Singapore....=)
the pics....
the "weapons"...
thomas that got hits....
boston chocolate....
boston chocolate(with jerlin hand)....
Birthday Boy with the cake...
Cutting the cake....
thomas flying up....(too bad not everyone is there)
taken after school.....(too bad not everyone is there)
a victim for thomas....(look so much like a ghost..)
hmmm....ok...back to me again....words are not spoken anymore...heartfelt words are so much kept inside...surface are no longer trustable....maybe is because of situation that cause....maybe is because of own mindset....maybe maybe and still maybe...that should be too many maybe in everything u meet in life le ba...and i have met too many maybe even in a day's life....hmmm...life isn't alway smooth....only u met the hard way...then u will feel the previously so-called hard way is actually smooth...but have anyone wondered...do this happen to everyone...???
for that...i ask myself...no answer to it...maybe i should never say will never get forever....but i can say i will not get the answer to this for the near period also....
heartfelt words are no longer said.....
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
10:54 PM
pls get mature
hmmm....today didn't go to school....maybe later i maybe going down when needed...so will provide thomas with all the information he need at home....
feel like staying at home...totally feel like staying at home...coz i know i alway wanted to be mature but didn't do it at all....think really need a deep reflection on myself....
think i got people angry already....just that i don't know or they never show infront of me....pardon me for being so slow....i will try be fast in everything....i will...
because of lots of incident happening....i sincerely don't believe in wishes anymore...wishes like in your birthday...people ask u to make a wish or something like that...i knew it would never come true...i have wishes so many things in my birthday all over the 20yrs....i believe none has ever come true....
maybe u may think i am so childish to believe in such things....maybe u are right....i am somtimes....maybe is all the times ba....
thank you for everything....but still wish to see you alway happy no matter what...anything is worth it...really worth it to just see you smile from the bottom of your heart and be happy....
tat wee...
pls....
reflect...
Friday, August 03, 2007
9:38 AM
Just wish for u to happy...
my mind ask my heart now....do i have any regret....my heart has just answered....
nope...i do not have any regret...
i alway knew from the very start that the ending would be like this....but i still head towards it...mybe i am a idiot ba...alway get the hard ways.....i alway never have any intentions to stand in between...just wish u to be happy....that all ba....how should i say...
actually quite surprised that i have never ever thought of standing in between...coz in turn u would not be happy...so alway wish to stand by u...just that....i understand why u return things...understand it...sorry for all the wei nan....that all....
so i have nothing to say to myself anymore...coz i knew from the very start that i have no ending to all this at all de....i am pervertic to feel the pain to learn it...
haiz.....
a path that lead no way...
Thursday, August 02, 2007
10:28 AM
